I
don't know whether I have 500 words to write today. I'm feeling weak.
I
made some bread. White bread, made with bread flour which has extra
gluten to give the bread a good texture. I used white sugar for the yeast
to grow on. There is basically nothing nutritionally redeeming about this
bread. Not one thing. It's two loaves of pure, unadulterated simple
carbohydrates.
During
the kneading of the bread, I did something to myself. I was a month past
my surgery yesterday, and I've been feeling a lot better. The doctor said
it was a 4-6 week recovery period. So I thought, "Goodness.
Maybe I can finally start doing a few things now." I kneaded bread
dough, and I felt a little snap in my midsection, and then I had to go lie down on
the sofa for awhile. My life is so boring. I am so weak.
My
body is weak, as is my resolve. I ate a
piece of the bread, and I don’t know why.
It will probably make me ache tonight.
My
emotions are weak, too. My body, my
mind, my spirit. Everything is
weak. During the night last night, the
wind was tearing away at the world outside my house, rattling the siding and
shaking the shingles. I felt afraid, but my mind was too weak and
distracted even to pray well.
I am
tired, depressed, ashamed. I wish I
could be the woman I long to be: cheerful, competent, wise, able to love people
and to comfort, to encourage people and make them happy. I want to be the kind of person people are
eager and excited to see, the mature, giving, sensitive, thoughtful woman of
grace.
Instead,
I am just struggling, messed-up old me.
I’ve been a Christian for 44 years now, and I am still so shaky and
unsure of myself.
There
are two verses I cling to, two verses that give me hope in the midst of the
reality of the mess that I am. And there
is one verse that gives me hope that I will one day be better.
This
verse gives me hope that even the way I am is part of God’s plan, and that
somehow He will show His glory through my weakness…
But
he [God] said to me,
“My
grace is sufficient for you,
for
my power is made perfect in weakness.”
Therefore
I will boast all the more gladly
about
my weaknesses,
so
that Christ’s power may rest on me.
2
Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)
This
verse gives me hope that even when I am weak, God can handle the details and
work good things out of my life, that He can fashion beauty from the ashes that are
me…
And
we know
that
in all things
God
works
for
the good
of
those who love Him,
who
have been called
according
to his purpose.
Romans
8:28
And
finally, this verse gives me hope that someday I will see the effects of God’s
hands working on me…
Being
confident of this,
that He who began a good work in you
will
carry it on to completion
until
the day of Christ Jesus.
Philippians
1:6 (NIV)
You'll be yourself again. Right now is just the time for allowing yourself to be, well, weak. There's a time for everything, right? I know how badly you want to be back to your usual self, I'm right there with you, but first of all, you really have just been through a physically weakening experience, and it might take longer to heal from that than even the doctors say. But second, you have just been through a lot of other things, a move, etc, that are going to upset your balance and change who you are. I hope you just get some rest and watch some entertaining telly and read a few good books, and allow yourself to get better, both physically and inwardly. x
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words. They are balm.
ReplyDelete